We had one of the most incredible bruschetta mix plates of our lives on this trip, along with lobster as the main course.

We drank approximately 76 glasses of champagne that day, then went to a lavish dinner of steak and chocolate. You can have as much food as you want.

You do, however, have to wear clothes when dining at the restaurants. After dinner, we went back to our hotel room, drunk as lushes on spring break, and promptly passed out at 10pm.

But we realized why everyone wanted to know—it was because we were a fantasy. Such is life. The second night we decided to have a three course meal by the sea—one of the many romantic and sensual add-ons available at Desire.

One option was make-your-own-porno, wherein a real videographer would come and film you having sex with your partner. After our romantic dining experience, we made our way to the show on the main piazza.

Desire puts on a show every evening and female guests seem to get very into the theme, dressing in sexy costumes and mesh clothing.

The true spectacle was not the highly talented pole dancer, however, nor the feather bikini clad strippers, but Lisa, a very drunk, very exuberant hotel guest.

Lisa volunteered for everything. She climbed into a prop bathtub and had champagne drank out of her snatch. But more impressive even than Lisa, was a couple in their mid-seventies.

Both card carrying members of the AARP, the woman had her breasts completely out of a top that ended just beneath them.

Her seemingly demure husband wore a fanny-pack, cargo shorts, and a Hawaiian shirt. They go to Desire and resorts like it on the regular. They regaled me with a story of a gang bang on a prior visit, during which Sheila serviced several men while Bernie watched.

I learned nothing on this trip if not that penises are as unique as snowflakes. Extremely hungover, Scarlett and I spent the next day swimming and sunbathing.

Being in the pool at Desire was like being the human manifestation of Saturn, surrounded by a ring of dongs. It was a buffet of naked men, all with vastly varying penis sizes.

The crown jewel of the pool scene was a rather rotund man in his sixties with a truly astonishing Prince Albert a penis piercing, for the uninitiated.

After two nights at Desire Riviera, we were off to the second location: Desire Pearl, about 20 minutes away by taxi, on another part of the coast.

This hotel is smaller and much more romantic, geared towards nudist couples who just want to be naked with themselves, rather than sex partying and swingers though that is a component.

We were assigned the penthouse I know, so bougie. We loved it. We had a terrace that overlooked the ocean, a marble bathtub that was basically invented for Instagram, and our own personal hot pool.

Not exactly the most humble of experiences, but certainly blessed. A little up there, but this is an all-inclusive resort; all the food, drinks, and fun are free.

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